Monday, November 26, 2012
For Married Women (Shhh, this is about...sex....)
Would you let JESUS have full use of your body for ministry?
Probably all of us Christian women would say "Yes, of course! We love Jesus!"
Now, let me ask another question: Would you let your husband have full use of your body for ministry?
I feel called to be bold here, and yet tread delicately, without vulgarity or unnecessary details. This is a topic that all of us wives have dealt with at one point or another. And it's a serious one that simply cannot be overlooked. So many marriages could be happier, healthier and holier if we wives just understood how impactful we are inside our covenant relationship with our husbands.
When we come together with our husbands and meet their desires sexually, we are MINISTERING to them. And more importantly, we are creating an environment in which we are worshiping Jesus.
Yes, sex is a form of worship when it's with, (and focused on) our husband!
God is the creator of all that is "good" and he deemed the sexual relationship between husband and wife as GOOD! (Genesis 1:31) It's Satan who has perverted this into "nastiness." Physical intimacy is amazing as it represents the church coming together in union with the Lord and the wonderful climax is a reflection of the returning of the Lord Jesus to take his bride, the church, home to heaven. The sexual relations between a husband and wife are a very important form of worship to our God.
As wives, it's vastly important that we understand this. We'd never dream of denying Christ the climax of returning to claim his bride, and therefore we should not be denying our husband the climax of being with his own bride, the one God gave him to love intimately in a physical way.
A husband's deepest physical desire is sexual. It's the way that God created him! It's a beautiful thing, the way God made men! He deeply needs to be wanted and desired physically and sexually by his wife. And WE are the only person who can righteously fulfill our husband's sexual desires! That is an awesome responsibility. Our bodies do not belong to ourselves, but also to one-another in a marriage. (1 Cor 7:3-4)
When we reject our husband's advances sexually, not only do WE sin by denying them, we can cause our husbands to turn that desire for us into lust that focuses on someone else. By sending our husbands off and away in their moments of desire, we are opening a door to the devil inside our marriages.
Do we foolishly think our husbands will fantasize about US, the ones who just rejected them? No. They'll be fantasizing about some other women, real or imaginary, who desire them and wish to please them sexually. It's a dangerous game. And it's very harmful.
I deeply love my husband. You deeply love your husband. We love our husbands! But there is no greater torture for a man to have a beautiful wife, whom he desperately desires sexually, who continually rejects him due to lack of interest, selfishness, or even insecurity. (And yes, I know what it is like to struggle with all of these, especially selfishness.) We can slowly torture and kill our husbands and our marriages by lack of sexual interest in our men. Sexual contact is a primal need that cannot be ignored, or "I have a headache"-ed away.
If we do not live purposefully to meet our husband's sexual needs and desires, guess what? Satan will place someone there who will! Satan's goal is to kill, steal, and destroy everything GOOD that God created. And that means he wants to destroy our marriages, our sexual relationships and our families! (John 10:10)
Oh, I'm in no way excusing sexual sin. Not at all! Our husbands will be responsible and held accountable by the Holy Lord God for their own sin, whether that's lust, infidelity or just an imagined affair, but we too will be held responsive for the sin that placed a stumbling block in front of them in the form of DENIAL.
Out of their love and duty toward Jesus, our husbands may even stay completely faithful to us, and only ever have focused "desiring" thoughts toward us, but it won't be easy on them. They will be fighting Satan off left and right, trying to avoid the temptation of sexual sin.
Dear precious wives, if we really love our husbands, do we want them constantly battling off Satan in the area of their sexuality? Or will we come to their aid, meet their desires and allow God to use them in focused areas of work, fatherhood, and ministry? Our precious men will be far happier and far more focused without fighting a sexual battle that has been put there, perhaps unintentionally, by US. Let us not provide our husbands with a reason to stray.
BUT MY HUSBAND DOESN'T MEET MY EMOTIONAL OR SPIRITUAL NEEDS
I understand that. And likely your husband even knows or acknowledges he's not doing well in these areas. In fact, he may even feel that he doesn't deserve sex from you, or that he can't approach you with desire, because he feels guilty.
But the result is still the same. He suffers. And maybe you suffer too, from not being made whole emotionally and spiritually. But that doesn't let you (or me!) off the hook. We will all give an account for how WE lived. And it will be much easier for your man to learn to connect emotionally and spiritually with you if you meet his sexual needs first. Remember, sex mimics the intimacy of Christ and His church. Spiritually, emotionally and physically, those needs become met through sexual contact with your husband.
I JUST DON'T FEEL LIKE IT AND IT'S NOT ENJOYABLE TO ME.
I get that point too. In fact, I hear that fairly often. We wives are BUSY. We have kids to care for, households to run, school to oversee and a hundred more "things" on the list of TO DO's.
Many times at the end of the day, we're just flat out exhausted. And often after hard days, we just don't even feel attractive enough to be intimate.
But if I'm being honest, that really doesn't matter. To God or to our husbands. It doesn't mean they aren't sensitive or sympathetic, but it doesn't remove the needs our husbands may have. (And chances are, that if it's not enjoyable for you, you need to have an open and honest conversation about how he can meet your needs and desires during those times of intimacy. Chances are he has NO idea that you are unsatisfied and can use a bit of direction. I'll bet your husband will heed the challenge like the knight-in-shining-armor that he is, and will work hard at pleasing the bride he dearly loves and wishes to satisfy!)
PUT THIS IN PERSPECTIVE FOR ME. HOW IMPORTANT IS THIS...REALLY?
Okay, I'll do my best here:
Let's say that Jesus shows up at your bedroom door five minutes before you fall asleep and asks you to give Him a drink of water. THE SON OF GOD is very thirsty and asks you to serve him a glass of cool, clean water. Would you jump up and say "Oh, Jesus! Of course! Let me get that for you!" and quench the savior's thirst? (He did die for you, after all.)
But wait, what if He asked you to give Him a bottle of water, and doing so would require getting dressed, getting inside your car and running 10 minutes down the road to the corner store? Would you still feel willing? Would you feel honored? Jesus did pick you, of course, out of all the others who could have met the need.
Well, our husbands picked us. And God placed us inside the marriage covenant to meet our husband's needs. It's an honor. And a blessing.
Jesus says that whatever we give unto the "least of these" we give for Him, and the very way our husbands were created by the Holy Lord God, is a far cry from being called the "least." (Be a giver to your husband and if he struggles with "generosity" in this area, teach him how to give to you.)
IS IT EVER OKAY TO SAY NO?
Yes. The bible makes it clear that if we are "separating" by mutual agreement in order to spend time in prayer, then abstaining is perfectly fine, but "come together again soon so that the devil doesn't tempt you." (1 Cor 7:5)
Yes, if one of you have a medical condition that won't allow intercourse to occur safely. I would suggest though, that if it is you, his wife, with the medical issue, often times you can still find ways to meet your husband's needs. Get creative.
Yes, if you know or suspect that your husband is involved in physical adultery. Abstaining from sex is the wisest thing to do in that circumstance. Continuing to be intimate when a physical affair is occurring can be very dangerous. You will need to make sure that no diseases are going to be transferred to you.
I'M DEALING WITH PAST ISSUES
If you are a woman dealing with serious issues like sexual sin from your past, or abuse of any sort, please know that you are not alone! There are many women who are dealing with the results of sexual sin, abuse and serious issues such as recovering a marriage that was harmed by pornography or adultery. Please find a female pastor or a woman Christian counselor who can help give you the tools you need to walk through this. Draw near to your ultimate healer, Jesus Christ and don't walk through this alone. Pray for the Lord to bring you "safe" friends who will keep your confidence, encourage you in Christ and will be a prayer partner with you. We aren't meant to live this life in isolation, we are called to lift one another up daily and intercede for each other the way that the Holy Spirit intercedes for us. (James 5:16, Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, Romans 8:26-27)
*FOR THE HUSBANDS WHO WILL READ THIS ANYWAY...
If your beloved is struggling in this area, be sensitive and compassionate. If "denial" is occurring with regularity, chances are your bride is dealing with insecurity or very low self-esteem. Reassure her that she is the only woman you have eyes or desires for, and be that devoted man! Tell her how beautiful her features are, how you long for her and help her out around the house so that by the time bed-time arrives, she's not stressed out and tense over the amount of work that must be done. There is a fantastic book by Christian author Dr. Kevin Leman, called "Sex Begins in the Kitchen." Buy it! And read it! Be a lover of your wife's body and not just a user of it.
And finally, be trustworthy and faithful. Guard your eyes and your wife's heart. (Matthew 5:27-28) If your wife suspects that you are looking lustfully "elsewhere," she's going to be less responsive to you sexually. Why? Because she knows you are comparing her to someone she simply is not; an airbrushed or augmented illusion who comes with no real commitment or effort. She does not wish to be in bed with someone who is secretly wishing she looked like someone else. She may still continue to be intimate with you out of her devotion to you and to the Lord, but it will devastate and destroy her spirit. Pray with her. She may need to know that you care enough about her to pray aloud for her. Prayer can only benefit your marriage.
If you are struggling with pornography or different addictions, PLEASE, get help. Harboring a secret addiction is simply no way to live, and it will never bring a blessing to your marriage. Seek out godly council and accountability from a godly male pastor that you trust, get a Christian counselor and begin the healing process with your wife. She chose you. She loves you. She craves ALL of you, including your loyal desires and thoughts. Satan is the enemy here, and your wife is your team-mate in the battle.
Oh, precious wives, the calling is high.
The Challenges are great. We must count the intimacy with our husbands as an honor and a privilege. Our husbands are the "kings" of our households and the authority that God placed over us and that we took part in choosing. We must respect that. Revere that. Honor that.
We all desire to boldly claim that we have "a great marriage!" And often the key to building that is with some great sex.
Yes, it is that important. A great marriage takes a lot of hard work.
And it's certainly worth the effort.