Monday, June 2, 2014

Would You Like To Buy a Bridge?

*All photos are owned by Arrows and Olives blog and may not be copied or printed without permission.




I could fill you in on all the wonderful things that have taken place in the last few weeks, but that can get boring. So instead of sharing all the goings-on of late, I thought it would be far more amusing to post what {ahem} hasn't been going on in recent weeks. Ya know, just to fill you in on how classy and proper we are here. In case you needed that reminder. 

This is the kind of stuff that would never happen at  our house. Cough, cough.


Let's see...

~I have not answered the door to greet new neighbors while holding a fully extended light-saber. Certainly not.

~You have never seen a toddler running around the back yard completely naked except for his Spider-Man snow boots. Preposterous!

~None of us let the one-year-old play "chubby bunny" with a banana. Not us.
                                                                              




~Nobody (over age ten) decided to do an "experiment" by sticking a penny onto the prongs of a hair dryer then PLUGGED IT IN; blowing-up the hair dryer in the process and causing blue sparks to shoot gloriously out of the wall like firecrackers in a dark, night sky.  No way.


And it did not result in THIS:

                                                        



And, uh, THIS too.

                                                        







~I haven't scolded bad behavior, then said "Okay, go do that ONE more time so I can take a photo." 
I'd never resort to bad parenting for something like a photo op.

Yeah. Like this one:

                                                          


~We haven't had a small child flood the entire downstairs bathroom, try to clean it up themselves, and then stroll casually into the living-room BUTT NAKED, and announce clearly to the rest of us "I'd rather use a clean bathroom."

~Those five-hundred, brand new, white napkins that are now littering the playroom floor like crumpled-up, paper snowballs? You don't see those. They are an illusion. My children would never have a paper snowball fight while I took a shower.

~We haven't left the house only to arrive at our destination and discover one kid wasn't wearing any shoes.  Ha! That's for amateurs!

~There isn't a small male child here who thinks he is, in fact, Kevin Harvick.

~Nobody here has been nearly kicked out of Sunday school.  Nobody.

~No one has burst out in a loud chorus of "How do you solve a problem like Maria?" during dinner, or begun vociferous snoring noises during prayer. We are WAAY too proper for that!

~Certainly no one here has taken the bar of hand soap off the bathroom counter and drawn large pictures on the mirror like Jim Carrey did in "The Truman Show."


~The baby has not been sent to toddle around outside wearing totally different types of shoes because daddy couldn't find two that matched. This did not result in one of his legs being significantly longer than the other. 

~I haven't written any crazy Haikus about food cravings. Like this one:

Oreo cookies
Tormenting me from their box
My hips shall suffer

~Poured a beverage down the air vent hole? Nope. Nobody here.  You have the wrong house. 

~We haven't visited the seafood department at the grocery store because we were too cheap to go to the aquarium. 
                                                                               


Because that just lacks decorum.





And lastly,

~I have not resorted to shamelessly bribing a young child to pee in the toilet using a massive supply of skittles, soda pop and a bear who lives in a big blue house. Never.
                                                                     







You see, none of those things above would happen here, because in THIS family, we are just so put together. {Smiles demurely}
                                                                   
                                                                           See?






And if you can believe any of that, I've got a bridge to sell you.


                                                                           



3 comments:

  1. Oh my word!!!! I would SO not be laughing if any of this *really* happened. ;0) Good timing on this post, I needed the laugh! SOMEONE should write children's books I think!

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  2. Wow, you are one SUPER woman for all that you endure, with those wonderful, talented, beautiful children (& husband). YOu are a trooper!!

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  3. Thanks friends. I tell you what, if you don't come into this house WITH a sense of humor, you're surely going to LEAVE with one.

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